Letter #1

{written before I was even pregnant}

To my one who has yet to be.

Where are you? We’ve been waiting for you for six months but so far, nothing. I know that’s not long and couples wait far longer (years, even) but for us the days are dragging on. Especially for me. Sometimes my heart feels so empty I can barely stand it. Sometimes I cry for no good reason. It gets harder with every pregnancy announcement on social media, with every gender reveal, with every photo of a new precious baby. First people from church, then my best friend, now my sister. I’m so overjoyed for them all, but so heartbroken for me. It’s all very confusing, you know.

Is something wrong with me? Is something wrong with your daddy? No, it couldn’t be him. It must be me. I’ve never been within the normal limits for anything physical, anyway. I’m always the small one, the late one, the slightly behind one. It has to be me. These thoughts whirl in screaming circles around my head, every day. Your dad tells me not to worry. He says there’s no reason to doubt anything yet and he’s probably right. He’s usually right about everything (he’s the rational one, after all). So I sit and recite facts to myself and try to remember. It’s only been six months. We’re young, we’re healthy, we take our vitamins, we don’t have any health concerns, we’re doing everything right. And for a couple our age, we shouldn’t even worry until it’s been a year.

But then…why is it so easy for everyone else? Why did it happen for my best friend and for my sister on only try? Why can’t we have you yet? We want you so badly sometimes it hurts. We pray for you every day and hope that soon, we’ll get the news that you’re on your way to us…that we only have to wait just a bit longer. I imagine that day all the time and I sincerely pray that it will happen for us – that we won’t be the minority and that we won’t be part of that terrible statistic.

What I’ve been learning through this, though (and what I desire that you learn too), is that your source of comfort has to be in God. With something like this, I can’t run to anyone and find the solution. I can’t talk to a friend or even to your daddy and suddenly feel all better. I have to run to Jesus. I have to draw near to Him because He promises to draw near to me (and to you). Truthfully, this is not always easy for me and it’s not always my first thought. But that’s just my sinful nature muddling everything up, just like always. It’s been getting easier, though. The more I spend time in the Word and the more I cry out to Jesus, the more my desires change and the more I want of Him. He never promises that life will be easy; in fact, He promises that it won’t be. But through every trial and heartbreak and disappointment, He is working in me and shaping me to be more like Him. And that is something to rejoice in. I hope He is changing me to be better for Him and to be better for you.

“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 (ESV)

We love you already, even though you are only a prayer right now. I love you already, sweet baby. Please come be with us soon.


Your mommy

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