January 1st, 2015.
Today is THE day. Life for Alex and I will never be the same. Today we found out about the greatest blessing we could ever ever be given. We are going to be parents.
That still sounds so strange to me and I only half believe it. But the tests (yes, multiple tests because I’m a crazy person) don’t lie. I’m pregnant. I have a tiny little perfect person growing inside of me. A person I already love so deeply and long to bring up in Christ. I’m pregnant. We’re going to have a baby.
For anyone questioning, this wasn’t a surprise. Yes, I had graduate school plans. Yes, we are young. But this was no accident; in fact, this is what we wanted more than anything in the world (and beyond that, there isn’t a single atom in our universe outside of God’s control). This baby is what we’ve been praying for and aching for and yes, even trying for. God has been so gracious to bless us with this child. It may not fit in with how everyone thought my life would be (or even how I thought my life would be), but I have to say that nothing apart from marrying Alex has ever felt so right.
After months and months of frustration, tears, anger, and even a gut-wrenching terror that something might be wrong (fertility-wise), God chose to completely destroy all my doubts and fears and fill my life with an IMMENSE joy I have only just begun to know.
I had a feeling something was different this month. We’ve had false alarms and moments of extreme excitement followed by crushing disappointment all over the place these past seven months of marriage. But this was different. I just felt…different. That’s a really lame way to put it but somehow it’s the best way to describe it. Things weren’t feeling like they normally do and I had this weird inkling in the back of my mind that I could be pregnant. But no, absolutely not. There was no way I was getting my hopes up only to have them dashed just like always.
But the more I denied it, the more weird symptoms kept popping up. I decided I was either pregnant or coming down with some weirdo disease. But I kept all this to myself. Alex knew I had been feeling kind of off but he knew nothing about my thoughts on the possibility of pregnancy. I just figured that if disappointment was coming again, I wanted to do everything I could to shield my husband from it. Why get his hopes up too?
I did my best to wait it out patiently and focused as much attention as I could on spending time in God’s word, drinking in His goodness and meditating on His promises. Every time I thought about maybe being pregnant, I immediately switched to prayer and asked God to guard my heart, to help me trust in His timing, and to give me strength if His answer was still “wait.”
Then it was January 1st. I woke up early and laid in bed staring at the ceiling. I debated waiting a few more days to take a pregnancy test but I couldn’t get the gnawing feeling out of my mind that maybe I should just test today and see what happens. Alex got up to make some breakfast and I decided to do the test before I chickened out.
I sat on the bathroom floor to wait out those three minutes. I closed my eyes and clenched my hands together tightly and just prayed. Either way, positive or negative, I was going to need my Savior. Three minutes passed and I picked up the test. It was positive. I couldn’t believe my eyes.
I stumbled out to the kitchen with the test, stood in the doorway, and said Alex’s name very quietly. He looked up and his eyes searched my face before landing on what was in my hands. I handed the test to him, fingers shaking like crazy, and in all his emotional steadiness he simply looked at me with a small smile and said, “You’re pregnant.” I started bawling right there over the burning bacon (sorry, Dad) and we hugged and praised God and looked at each other in wonder. Pregnant. That’s it. Nothing will ever be the same again.
Praise Jesus for His immeasurable grace and provision. I could never ever thank Him enough.